Hey, There!
I’m Sabrena
For many years, I felt the world kept turning, and moving forward as I whispered “stop!” “I need a break”. And I slowly retreated into my own head, without anyone noticing. No ONE NOTICED! I feel in love, and no longer needed to put my self out there. I got married, and was too busy with married life. Whatever that means. I had a baby, and we all know retreating into your own cocoon after a baby is born is very normal. I was completing the check list of life, so why would anyone notice the dullness in my eyes, the extra dry shampoo in my hair, and the last minutes cancelations to events. Once I stopped showing up for work, to stay in bed, I knew I needed help. I am fortunate that I was able to recognize this in myself. This was not the first time. It was the first time as a wife, a mother, a self employed person. But it was not the first time I found myself longing to be left alone. And I don’t mean, I needed a nap. Although that is what I would tell my husband. I need a nap, can you watch the baby. And a couple days later, I might wake up. There is a quote I read once, and I do not know who to thank for it, but it goes, When someone wants to kill themselves, they do not want to die, they just want to end what is happening in their life at that moment.
When someone wants to kill themselves, they do not want to die, they just want to end what is happening in their life at that moment.
So I hit the pause button the only way I knew how … I checked myself into a mental hospital. Those couple weeks I was safe. I had no responsibilities. No one knew I was there (remember no one noticed I was disappearing, so no one was looking for me anymore). I mean my husband knew, he drove me there. We dropped off our daughter at daycare. And I said good bye to her with tears in my eyes. At only 20 months she didn’t know why her mama was crying, but I hugged her tight and told her I loved her, and watched as my husband walked her into the daycare facility I felt forced to use for childcare.
COVID 19 Saved My Life
After exiting the facility, I attending Thanksgiving with my family as if nothing had happened. I had recovered from a a major depressive episode. Recovered. People talk about their cancer recoveries. Or their flu symptoms disappearing. Why not celebrate this? The one person I could and had been talking to about my mental health was my aunt. The woman who was always so kind to me, who never judged me, who let me speak, and actually listened, was there at this Thanksgiving dinner too. She sat near me, unable to hold her own fork. Often times using her fingers to pick up her food. Earlier in the evening I comforted her that her family would arrive soon, although everyone was already standing in the same room as she. The woman I had leaned on for comfort, was there in the room, but not really there anymore.
The holidays gave me ample time to delay my “re-entry” into society. And by society I mean work. When the holidays passed, there was a large family vacation (one without my aunt) to plan and attend. I continued to delay my re- entry. And when we returned from our Annual-ish Family Vacation, Covid took over our lives.
Covid created the pause I needed in life to really focus on me. On my family. On who I am. On who I want to be! And for that I am grateful for Covid 19. But that is where my gratitude stops for Covid.
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